Sawat dee from Bangkok

2 cab rides, 2 flights, 4 dubious plane meals, 2.5 rubbish films, 1 dodgy moment in Mumbai and 21 hours on the go and finally I'm in Thailand's chaotic, heaving capital, Krungthep mahanakhon amonratanakosin mahintra ayuthaya mahadilock popnoparat ratchathani burirom udomratchaniwet mahasathan amonpiman avatansathit sakkathattiya witsanukamprasit. Or Bangkok as it's, thankfully, better known. The big mango.

The journey here was tedious and mostly uneventful apart from (a) the Ginger Broad managing to get lost. In Heathrow Terminal 4. Which is basically one long strip mall. Without any corners. There were too many WH Smiths apparently. And (b) a narrow escape from a missed connection at Mumbai airport when security took a dislike to my hand luggage and decide to scan it three times as well as emptying out most of the contents looking for the phantom cigarette lighter they were convinced I had. The guilty culprit was an electric mosquito bite zapper I'd bought at Heathrow which is tiny and looks nothing like a lighter. I fear I rather lost my sense of humour, although not my temper, at the confusion. Well it was one o'clock in morning and our connecting flight was due to leave in 10 mins. Luckily though this was India and the flight was running as late as we were.

The two weary travellers didn't stray too far from the air conditioning and free wifi of our first hotel that afternoon, although we did take a little time to explore a few roads of the surrounding Banglamphu area including the notorious Th Khao San. Made famous in Alex Garland's book, 'The Beach' and the Leonardo di Caprio film of the same name, Khao San Road is a manic mish mash of trashy street market, low budget guesthouses, music-blaring bars and tourists of every nationality wandering amidst the stalls of Ali Baba trousers and grilled mushrooms. It's certainly an assault on the senses, especially after dark when the neon signs glare over your head and the music is cranked up a notch or two. So what can two red-headed Brits with tired eyes and aching muscles do? Head to the nearest pavement massage parlour, of which there are many to choose from, and have a 30 min foot massage for the extortionate price of £2.50. Podiatric bliss.

For our first full day in the city it was time to hit the sight-seeing trail (with a minor detour along a 3 lane mega-highway. It's very easy to get lost in a city when you have no hope of reading a road sign). We stumbled upon the local amulet market - a covered nest of alleys where all the stalls sell glass, wood and metal icons, apparently prized by monks, taxi drivers and those in dangerous jobs. The tiny amulets must have numbered in their millions - tiny eggs under glass, Buddhas in glass vials filled with perfumed oil, metal figures and wooden orbs. The Ginger Broad took a liking to one little wooden carving and picked it up for closer inspection only to rapidly drop it when she realised it was a phallus. She's now worried she might be pregnant. Fertility icons were certainly prevalent with one bowl full of metal figures twisted together in all sorts of explicit poses. Although my personal favourite was the kama sutra tea towel. An ideal gift for your Gran.

Soiled by such filth, I'm surprised they even let us into one of Thailand's most sacred Buddhist sights, the Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew (or Temple of the Emerald Buddha). They did object to our outrageous ankles and shoulders though so we had to cover up with rented sarongs.

Wat Phra Kaew is a gaudy explosion of gold and coloured mosaics which cover every inch of the surfaces of the various temple complex buildings. Fantastical glowering armed giants guard the different gateways by looming large over visitors. Inside the main hall of worship there's so much gold it's hard not to be blinded and it would certainly be easy to miss the little chap for whom all this fuss is being made. The Emerald Buddha is tiny, high up and not Emerald. He's actually carved from jade but he does have his own wardrobe of clothes. He has a hand made jacket for each of the cold, hot and rainy seasons and the King himself does the dressing up job. So I guess that makes him pretty special.

Wonderful as all this was, hours of wandering around in 33 degree heat (sorry Londoners) is energy sapping so it was time to experience a Bangkokian transport icon - the tuk tuk. All I can say is I'm glad I've got good health insurance and nerves of steel. Although the latter faltered a bit when we zipped across a junction oblivious to the wave of on-coming cars and when our driver decided traffic jams just weren't his thing and simply raced down the opposite side of the road.

There was a quick side trip to the street that caters for the every need of the Buddhist monk. Need a saffron robe? Get it here. Need a Buddhist umbrella? Get it here. Need a scarily life like, full size waxwork of a famous monk? Get it here. Need a Buddhist bucket full of Buddhist treats (soap, coffee, toothpaste)? Yep, you can get it here too. It's a veritable cornucopia of good karma.

But that was just about enough excitement for this redhead in one day so it was time for a drink, a meal. Oh and another foot massage. Did I mention they're only £2.50?

Next on the Bangkok diaries ... a trip to an architectual gem and a market that doubles as a sauna. Stay tuned.